It’s 245 in the morning and Ruby’s temperature is 39. Not massively high for a healthy child but for my four year old with leukaemia it is an emergency. 

I feel ill. We have had one fever before but that was only 38. Never 39. The number 39 made me scared. 

I know we have to go to emergency but part of me wants to roll over and pull the covers over my head. 

Inside I panic. My stomach is in knots. 

I calmly pack up medicines and the last bits and bobs to add to the bags already packed by the door. 

Our bags are always packed. A bit like when you are expecting. Except without the fun present at the end. 

My husband calmly gets dressed and calmly and with a joke even gets us into the car. It is at this time we are so very thankful that we have a live in au pair to care for out three other sleeping children. 

We get to Emergency. I still feel ill. And I look at my husband who is still so calm. Breathe. 

Thank you my beautiful husband for being my calm. I don’t know how I could do this without you. I love you with all my heart. You are my everything. Thank you for the laughter. The jokes. The love. I love you. 

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