We Are now in Ruby’s 10th month since being diagnosed with leukaemia and I feel miserable.

I should be popping champagne and dancing on tables. Instead I think I have Post traumatic stress.

I’ve not allowed myself until Now to think. This really is the first time I have digested the fact that Ruby has cancer.  We have been fighting cancer.

It has been an incredibly long and hard year filled with my responding to every medical and  mental Need of Ruby’s. I have completely brushed myself to one side and now I feel like I’m lost.

I left my work that Monday 14 March and never returned as an account Manager.

I used to read to Tommy and help him with homework and be there for my boys. That has been put on hold. The boys have continued on but I feel like I have missed a chunk of their lives.

My girl friends and school mums have been wiped from my life. I am now a stranger. A novelty to see at the school gates.

I honestly feel like I have so much to re-build. It’s over whelming. And everyone I encounter  in the steeet asks of Ruby – and my eyes just  fill with tears. I’m emotional.

This coming Thursday should be the day Ruby gets put on maintenance. Maintenance was the word we longed for these past 10 months. What does that mean?

– More chemo but in a less aggressive tablet form to be taken every day for 14 months.

– Her hair will grow back.

– Her energy will return.

– Her port will be taken out.

– Sun is a danger. Always wear sunscreen.

– Immunity will be low – beware of fevers and diseases like chicken pox and measles

– Bones are brittle. Watch out for breaks.

Maintenance means we will return to our lives as before. But I just can’t imagine life before.

Life before saw me working full time, eating out with friends and Ed, going to evening yoga, having a drink or 10, being carefree.

Is that all Possible again? Thankfully I am married to the most positive man in the world who says yes it’s all possible. But I have to say I am going to need re-building. And this is going to take time.

Ruby is better than ever. She is laughing again. She wants back into the world again.

Time for me to put my fears aside and let her go. Rome wasn’t built in a day. That expression has never rung more true than now.

Is the world ready to let a little bundle of energy back in and a mum/PR account exec/45 year old? Get ready because here we come.

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