Sitting on my mums balcony eating cookies and cream cheesecake and drinking peppermint tea. It’s 11pm Saturday 31 December 2016.

A Greek tradition is to hide a coin in a cake and cut a slice for all present and whoever gets the coin has good luck for the year.

This year Ruby and I hid 7 coins. Ha ha. It has been such a terrible year we all needed a coin.

And as I bite into my cake I spat out a $2 coin. The luck is all mine – and Ruby’s and Tommy’s  and Max’s and Will’s and Ed’s and mums!!!

What a year! I am ready to nail it shut. And I cross all my fingers and toes that my year is better. That my children are healthy.  That I don’t cry /sob ever again! I just can’t have such a sad year ever again.

My daughter Ruby is asleep. We left a party early to do her chemo pill and get to bed. I was happy to go. Not really in the mood to chat and talk about the shit Year I’ve had and how I hope it will be better. Talking to beautiful people but re-hashing my disasterous year is exhausting!

It’s got to be better. Doesn’t it?

Let’s see – the crap – my daughter was diagnosed with leukaemia and also got a fungal infection in her blood, the cold sore virus, a super bug in her wee, nausea, skin rash, a limp ….. My mum had two heart attacks, one in front of me whilst my daughter lay ill in emergency. I had my appendix out in an emergency trip to hospital  and a few weeks later my gall bladder out. My son tommy has struggled at school and it turns out he needs glasses – and I was never around to notice. My older two  have muddied through but I’ve not been there to love them. All of this makes me so sad.

The good – so many new friends from clown doctors to starlight captains to strangers to acquaintances to doctors and nurses. An understanding of what community really means – our football club did an incredible fund raiser, neighbours and friends baked and cooked up a storm keeping me and my family well fed. The messages and love from so Many people. It truly has been over whelming.

My heart is full. But strangely also feels empty.

I approach 2017 with hope and fear and more hope.

I hope that Ruby flies high and gets better every day and cancer is just a thing of the past. I am scared it comes back. A thought I try to block out of my mind.

I hope I re-build myself, my career and my very being and also fly high. I hope I get time to be a better mum and be there for all my children and husband.

I look forward to shining bright with my boys and my daughter and my amazing husband Ed. Ed has stood by us all. Held us up high.

Roll on 2017. I am ready.

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