Sitting in the barn there is a strange feeling of sadness or is it knowing?
Everyone in there has been hit with a family horror. A cancer diagnosis of one of their children. Something that you would never want and never dream of.
We have finally driven out of Sydney this weekend as we were invited on a Camp Quality weekend away. There are 14 families, 10 have never been on a Camp Quality weekend away (including us) and we are thrown together to have fun, relax and re connect as a family.
I for one am Struggling. Seeing bald heads on holiday is strange. I’m not really in the mood to make friends. Can’t keep Up With the ones I have. I admire the beautiful volunteers and the program itself but I’m struggling that I am even in this world.
Ruby most certainly has leukaemia. We have had the worst time of our lives. And now we are in the cancer family category. And I don’t want to be there. I want out.
Then I look into Ruby’s eyes. She excitedly points out the children with no hair. She giggles as the volunteers play games with her and draw with her. She holds my hand tight and smiles as we play ice breaker games that find us both barking like a dog. That’s why I’m here. Not for me at all.
Then I look at my boys. They are laughing. They are running around. They are making friends. They feel happy. And again I realise this is why we are here. Not for me to make friends. Not for me at all. For the children.
I am a cancer mum whether I like it or not. We have struggled to have time away (that means none) and the kids crave that. This was handed to us and I will do my best to enjoy it.
So here we are. The rain is now falling. My gut says pack the car up. Go home. Away from this world. But then I look in my kids eyes and we are most definitely staying. There is play dough making today. Beach cricket (in the rain!) and a Fluoro night tonight at the surf club.
Deep breathe. Acceptance. This is all part of my healing.